As I sit back and light my higher self to calm my nerves, I often think of how history seems to repeat itself. Does history repeat itself? Or do we often hold on to the past and manifest things to happen over, good or bad? You see in my childhood there were so many things that happened that left me confused, scared and angry and yet at such a small age, I wasnt comfortable enough to bring it to the attention of my elders at the time. I was 4 or 5 years old.
Crazy at such a young age when something evil or scary happens to us most children are scared to open up to anyone about it. WHy is this?
Ive been told many times and read as well that we are predestined to be something amazing in our lives and it is up to us to follow our predestined path and not fall off track. DO you believe this as well?
My thoughts on this is, "How do we know what path to follow on?" and also , " When shit fucks up does this mean we fell off our predestined path?" Confusion at its finest.
I've had the same type of incident happen to me in my life at three different age groups in my life. And my question to that is, "what the fuck?" DId I ask for this? Is this because I have never confronted the evil of my 4 year old self that it still manifests into the later years of my life?
What I do know is that holding onto many things of my past cost me to do things in my adult life that I have not been proud of to help supress the past horror. A battle within oneself I'd say. And honestly, the wrong side of the path was winning. Is winning.
These" expert" writers of self love and life blah blah blah, state that we can change this and that and its never too late. Which is great but ummmmmm, I am in my 30's with struggles beyond imaginable quick fix remedies and I am ready to give up. Where do I go from here? No money. No love. Noone.
Social media shows me pictures of poor children in third world countries with problems far worse than mine so it is saying that I should be greatful for what I'm in and..... fuck, now what?
Am I now an ungreatful piece of shit that cries over every little horrible thing silently and well now.... to this blog, and should I be happy and suck shit up because I have a roof over my head for now?
Again, confusion at its finest.